Anonymous
Posted on 2019-11-09 01:58:20 Score: 0 (vote Up/Down)    (Report as spam)

Fucking Good NTR Dutch Oven Beef Stroganoff

Ingredients:
Beef (ground or cubed)
Mushrooms (traditionally cremini, as long as they're “white” inside, any will work. I used
buttons, oyster mushrooms, & shiitake)
Egg Noodles
(You want a 1:2 ratio of beef to mushrooms, and about a 1:2 ratio of beef/mushrooms to
noodles)
Thyme
(Italian) Parsley
Mustard (Dijon, can use brown)
Beef Broth (I used Pho broth because it was all I had)
$6 White Wine (you will use 1/3rd of the bottle, I recommend sauvignon blanc but any cheap white wine THAT IS NOT FUCKING SHITTY COOKING WINE will work)
Flour
Worchesteshire Sauce (pronounce it the British way you nigger)
Garlic
Onion
SOUR CREAM
MSG (MonoSodium Glutamate)
Pepper(?)
Butter (and maybe oil, otherwise add more butter/lard)
Marmite/Vegemite (super secret ingredient for every beef dish)

Tools:
1 Dutch Oven
1 Wooden Spoon
Paper Towels
Tasting spoon
Plate or bowl
A ladle
A kitchen knife (TL:anon forgot to mention this item)
A cutting board (optional, and also not mentioned in op)

Anonymous
Posted on 2019-11-09 02:14:09 Score: 0 (vote Up/Down)    (Report as spam)
what do?
1.
Rinse your onions in cold water and cut off the ends, peel off the outer layer.
2.
Cut them in half and lay flat.
3.
Cut them long-ways into strips
4.
Cut them the other direction until diced (never use fingers against the blade- keep your knuckles against the blade so you don't cut yourself like some edgy fuck). I used a second purple onion because I like onions, but one small/half of a medium-sized onion is all you need.
5.
Rinse your fucking mushrooms so you aren't eating cow feces, the number one ingredient in American mushroom fertilizer (if they get water logged just cook them longer).
8.
Add Secret Ingredient #1 (Marmite/Vegemite) for beefy/umami goodness.
9.
Stir really good with wooden spoon.
10.
Go throw your laundry in the washing machine.
11.
If not brown, let the mushrooms turn tan/brown.
12.
Throw in beef, & thyme (get fresh thyme you nigger- if you pull it with the leaves, 90% of the leaves will come off the stem, don't cook the stem you fucking faggot).
13.
Remember that you needed to add garlic & 1/8
th
of a teaspoon of MSG to your
mixture.
14.
Brown the beef.
15.
Throw in flour and brown it for a minute.
16.
Turn the heat on very low but not off if you have a gas stove so you don't have to
relight it.
17.
Run out to your truck in shorts/a tanktop and sheepskin slippers because you realized your wine aunt stole your wine opener but you have a pocket knife with a corkscrew out there.
18.
Fiddle with the shitty aluminum cap on the cheap white wine.
19.
Uncork the white wine (twist the corkscrew in until it's deep, pull up with all your might with the bottle between your thighs to keep it from falling on the ground orshooting wine halfway across the room).
20.
Add about 1/4th of a cup of white wine to the dish.
21.
Remember you turned down the temperature, ramp that fucker up to medium-high again.
22.
Say fuck it and add 1/3rd of the bottle so you don't end up like your wino aunt since the bottle will oxidize and turn bad in about 3-4 days anyways.
23.
Stir the fuck out of it and collect all that brown goodness off the bottom of the dutch oven/mix it in.
24.
Throw in mustard, worchesteshire sauce, and thyme (if you forgot to add it earlier like a big baka).
25.
Toss a bag of egg noodles into the dish (DRY EGG NOODLES- THIS IS ONE POT DISH!)
26.
Go ahead and throw in your (pho) “beef broth” at this time (I only had pho on hand and dry bullion, fuck off)
27.
>Adding Tomato to your Beef Stroganoff
(Seriously don't fucking do this you idiot)
28.
This doesn't count.
29.
Turn heat on high and bring to a mild boil, stirring occasionally.
30.
Turn heat down until it's simmering.
31.
Put the lid on it, you idiot. Set the timer for like 10 minutes on your phone or oven clock.
32.
Sit back and have a tall glass of white wine while pretending you aren't as bad as a wine aunt (with nothing on your stomach it'll be extra fun).
33.
Let the timer go off for a minute or so pissing off everyone in the household.
34.
Fuck! Realize you added too much liquid to the fucking dish!
35.
Turn heat to low.
36.
Quickly correct this with a mixture of flour and brown gravy mix (brown gravy mix is 90% flour with some other stuff mixed in- it adds flava).
37.
“Add ½ a cup of sour cream and stir until warm.”
38.
Say “fuck it” and add the entire tin of 5 day expired sour cream to the mix.
39.
Realize the mixture is still fucking scalding hot despite adding cold-ass sour cream.
40.
Turn off the heat.
41.
Put your clothes in the drying machine to give it a second to cool down.
42.
Go ahead and take a shower too because you're a filthy HikkiNEET who needs to bathe, in order to properly enjoy this meal, damn it.
43.
Ladle it into an appropriate bowl.
44.
I said appropriate, not a paper bowl you trailer park trash!
45.
Oh well. It's too late. You ruined the asthetic anyways.
46.
Garnish it with the Italian Parsley (this adds a distinct flavour when munched on).
47.
Toast a piece of two of sourdough bread to serve with it (sourdough bread recipe not included). I had some leftover homemade cheesy bread so I just served it with that.
48.
Eat the meat with whatever remains of the bottle of wine.
49.
Put the leftovers into portioned containers and freeze 90% of them for lunch the next few weeks, only eating it the following 2 days.
50.
You now know how to cook NTR One-Pot Stroganoff. Learn how to not burn rice now you fucking faggot.

Anonymous
Posted on 2019-11-09 18:15:30 Score: 0 (vote Up/Down)    (Report as spam)
>Sauvignon Blanc
>California
Hon hon hon

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